4 Benchmarks: How a Godly Man Dates a Woman

Benjamin Franklin.

He was born in Boston, but he did not like it there.

So he went to Philadelphia, and got off the boat.

He bought a loaf of bread.

He walked up the street.

He met a young lady.

Then he married her and discovered electricity.

Ah! Isn't that the dream? To meet a young lady and discover electricity!

Sadly, for far too many of us, dating and electricity have this in common - foolishly used, they can lead to lasting damage.

So, how does a godly man date a woman? And, what can keep us from being burned?

Simply, a godly man dates a woman ...

Thoughtfully
Nobly
Clearly
Purely

Now for the details. Here are 4 benchmarks from God's Word:

1. Thoughtfully. A godly man values preparation over infatuation.

Prepare your work outside;

get everything ready for yourself in the field,

and after that build your house.

Proverbs 24.27

As Solomon walked his son through the process of emerging from boyhood into manhood, he often mentioned phrases such as "take heed", "listen", "pay attention", "receive my words", "do not forget". The book of Proverbs is literally chock-full of wise counsel that can be summarized - a wise son prepares now for what lies ahead.

As we all know, it is tempting for young men, in the throes of passion and loneliness, to become more wrapped up in temporary infatuation than in doing the hard labor of lasting preparation.

And so Solomon's counsel above comes as a needed corrective. You can imagine him sitting his son down and saying, "Son, here are the steps as you consider your life ...

a. Prepare your work outside. That is, consider your calling. How do you want to serve the Lord? In what arena of God's vast kingdom do you desire to exercise your gifts and influence for the Lord? Before you can consider what woman can serve as a godly help-mate, you need to know what she can help you in.

b. Get everything ready for yourself. Look at your life now - what needs strengthening and firming? Ask older, godly men in your life - am I ready to lead in a relationship? A family? A home? Consider - how's your work ethic, your spiritual disciplines, your emotional life? Before you can marry a godly woman you should be a godly man!

c. Build your house. Now you can pursue a relationship. Everything is in place - calling, direction, counsel. The foundation has been laid. Let the building begin!

2. Nobly. A godly man honors protection over passion.

I put on righteousness, and it clothed me;

my justice was like a robe and a turban.

Job 29.14

One of the earliest scenes in recorded history should bring a chill to every man's soul. As Eve was being tempted by Satan (see Genesis 3.1-6), her husband stood by and ... did nothing. That's right. Nothing.  

Nothing, that is, except blame her when it didn't turn out well (Genesis 3.12).

What a tragedy! And how easy to follow the example of our first father, Adam. It happens every time we put the passions of our flesh over the protection of the "bride". 

Against this pattern stands the towering figure of Job, who was but a dim shadow of the true protector, Jesus. Like a knight in shining armor, Job honored protection of the women in his life over the self-seeking passions of his flesh.

His righteousness was not an academic category, or a shallow conversation topic. Rather, it was the clothing he wore as he strode through the world (and the relationships) God had entrusted to him.

What does a godly man protect?

• The reputation of a woman. As he is tempted to spend time alone with her in his room (or hers), he stops and considers, "What will others think of her? Will her reputation be compromised because I have led her into a compromising situation?"

• The heart of a woman. Thus, he never promises more than he can, before the Lord, deliver. While it is easy to say smooth words of flattery and affection, he knows that they strike deeply into the heart of a woman, and that (apart from the covenant of marriage), they are just that ... smooth words. He understands that a long, lingering conversation (or stare) may be "innocent" to him, but tempting and enticing for a woman.

3. Clearly. A godly man rests on courage more than cuddling.

 Let what you say be simply ‘Yes’ or ‘No’...

Matthew 5. 37

I read recently that almost all bad sermons have one thing in common - they are muddled.  The same is true in relationships!

Muddled. Cloudy. Unclear. Vague. Indirect. Confusing.

It takes tremendous courage to be clear. Especially in relationships! More than one woman has commented to me over the years that they wished men would be clear, direct, and lead from the front.  

What a challenge! In our culture, men have invented ways to avoid declaring their intentions clearly. So, in favor of cuddling (either emotional or physical, or both!) rather than courage, many men settle for "texting", "tweeting", "spending time", "talking", "Facebooking", or even "Snapchatting." When asked about his intentions, he will often (usually defensively) claim, "Wait a minute! We were just ______________ (fill in the blank with the appropriate vague word/phrase from the previously mentioned list)."

What does it mean to be courageous?

• State your intentions clearly and repeatedly. If you are spending time with a woman only to build a friendship, let her know. Up front. Often. If you are interested in pursuing a relationship beyond a mere friendship, then be clear. Ask her. Allow her time to pray and consider. Wait on the Lord.

• Follow your stated intentions with clear actions. If you are only "friends", then do not treat her as if she is in a special category (you know, a "special" friend). Text her only as much as you would text other friends.  Don't confuse her (and yourself) by saying one thing, and doing the other!

• Invite other godly men to hold you accountable. Share vulnerably, often, and honestly.  Let them help you evaluate your actions and words in light of God's Word. A godly man realizes the truth of Proverbs 16. 2, "All the ways of a man are pure in his own eyes", and so seeks to have other eyes watching and safeguarding him.

4. Purely. A godly man pursue purity over pleasure.

Treat ... the younger women as sisters, with absolute purity.

1 Timothy 5.2

As Paul writes to Timothy, his "son" in the faith, he is clear about what should characterize a young man's relationship with a young woman - purity. Absolute purity.

The implication is, well, simple. If a woman is not your wife (or mother, or grandmother!), she is your sister. Note that the Bible has no categories for "girlfriend", or "special interest". And, if she is your sister, then treat her as you would your sister. No more. No less.

Think about it this way - consider godly boundaries as some of your most valuable companions in relationships.

What does it mean to pursue purity over pleasure?

• It means that a godly man regards the Word of God as his standard, and never his surrounding culture. In response to the question, "How far can I go with a woman?", a godly man will answer, "Only as far as absolute purity will allow me."

• It means that a godly man leads in setting, and keeping, clear physical boundaries. He views them not as burdensome restrictions, but as a God-given opportunities to lead with integrity, and love with purity.

• It means that a godly man will avoid any and all situations which may compromise those boundaries. Even though sitting on the couch late at night, watching a movie in a darkened room, may seem like a great way to spend an evening, he knows that the temptation to impurity (in thought and/or deed) is great. Thus, he favors public places at appropriate hours for time together.

A concluding thought ...

You may have noticed something from the 4 benchmarks of a godly man listed above. Though unmentioned, one overriding quality of a godly man stands out as absolutely essential in this critical area of pursuing women. 

A godly man must be a man of faith. 

Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen. For by it the people of old received their commendation ... And without faith it is impossible to please him, for whoever would draw near to God must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who seek him ... By faith Moses, when he was grown up, refused to be called the son of Pharaoh's daughter, choosing rather to be mistreated with the people of God than to enjoy the fleeting pleasures of sin. He considered the reproach of Christ greater wealth than the treasures of Egypt, for he was looking to the reward.

Hebrews 11. 1-2, 6, 24-27

A godly man must believe, deeply and keenly, that trusting God is better than trusting his emotions, or his friends, or his hormones, or his late-night thoughts. He must remember that God promises to reward those who seek Him. And, at the moment of temptation, he must fight to believe that what God says is true, as he looks to the reward.

Men, the reward is assured. Jesus Himself promised,

"Seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, 

and all other things will be added to you."

Matthew 6. 33

At the cost of His own life, Jesus has secured for us a reward far greater than we could ever grasp. He has proved His trustworthiness at the cross (see Romans 8. 31-32). He can be trusted!

In the midst of your loneliness, your seeming never-ceasing passions, your arousing thoughts, your fears about the future, know this - you can trust Jesus. He understands. He, your Shepherd, will bring comfort and courage.

Just ask Him.

Yes, you CAN trust Him. 

Now. Tonight. Tomorrow. Always.