4 Benchmarks: How a Godly Man Dates a Woman

Benjamin Franklin.

He was born in Boston, but he did not like it there.

So he went to Philadelphia, and got off the boat.

He bought a loaf of bread.

He walked up the street.

He met a young lady.

Then he married her and discovered electricity.

Ah! Isn't that the dream? To meet a young lady and discover electricity!

Sadly, for far too many of us, dating and electricity have this in common - foolishly used, they can lead to lasting damage.

So, how does a godly man date a woman? And, what can keep us from being burned?

Simply, a godly man dates a woman ...

Thoughtfully
Nobly
Clearly
Purely

Now for the details. Here are 4 benchmarks from God's Word:

1. Thoughtfully. A godly man values preparation over infatuation.

Prepare your work outside;

get everything ready for yourself in the field,

and after that build your house.

Proverbs 24.27

As Solomon walked his son through the process of emerging from boyhood into manhood, he often mentioned phrases such as "take heed", "listen", "pay attention", "receive my words", "do not forget". The book of Proverbs is literally chock-full of wise counsel that can be summarized - a wise son prepares now for what lies ahead.

As we all know, it is tempting for young men, in the throes of passion and loneliness, to become more wrapped up in temporary infatuation than in doing the hard labor of lasting preparation.

And so Solomon's counsel above comes as a needed corrective. You can imagine him sitting his son down and saying, "Son, here are the steps as you consider your life ...

a. Prepare your work outside. That is, consider your calling. How do you want to serve the Lord? In what arena of God's vast kingdom do you desire to exercise your gifts and influence for the Lord? Before you can consider what woman can serve as a godly help-mate, you need to know what she can help you in.

b. Get everything ready for yourself. Look at your life now - what needs strengthening and firming? Ask older, godly men in your life - am I ready to lead in a relationship? A family? A home? Consider - how's your work ethic, your spiritual disciplines, your emotional life? Before you can marry a godly woman you should be a godly man!

c. Build your house. Now you can pursue a relationship. Everything is in place - calling, direction, counsel. The foundation has been laid. Let the building begin!

2. Nobly. A godly man honors protection over passion.

I put on righteousness, and it clothed me;

my justice was like a robe and a turban.

Job 29.14

One of the earliest scenes in recorded history should bring a chill to every man's soul. As Eve was being tempted by Satan (see Genesis 3.1-6), her husband stood by and ... did nothing. That's right. Nothing.  

Nothing, that is, except blame her when it didn't turn out well (Genesis 3.12).

What a tragedy! And how easy to follow the example of our first father, Adam. It happens every time we put the passions of our flesh over the protection of the "bride". 

Against this pattern stands the towering figure of Job, who was but a dim shadow of the true protector, Jesus. Like a knight in shining armor, Job honored protection of the women in his life over the self-seeking passions of his flesh.

His righteousness was not an academic category, or a shallow conversation topic. Rather, it was the clothing he wore as he strode through the world (and the relationships) God had entrusted to him.

What does a godly man protect?

• The reputation of a woman. As he is tempted to spend time alone with her in his room (or hers), he stops and considers, "What will others think of her? Will her reputation be compromised because I have led her into a compromising situation?"

• The heart of a woman. Thus, he never promises more than he can, before the Lord, deliver. While it is easy to say smooth words of flattery and affection, he knows that they strike deeply into the heart of a woman, and that (apart from the covenant of marriage), they are just that ... smooth words. He understands that a long, lingering conversation (or stare) may be "innocent" to him, but tempting and enticing for a woman.

3. Clearly. A godly man rests on courage more than cuddling.

 Let what you say be simply ‘Yes’ or ‘No’...

Matthew 5. 37

I read recently that almost all bad sermons have one thing in common - they are muddled.  The same is true in relationships!

Muddled. Cloudy. Unclear. Vague. Indirect. Confusing.

It takes tremendous courage to be clear. Especially in relationships! More than one woman has commented to me over the years that they wished men would be clear, direct, and lead from the front.  

What a challenge! In our culture, men have invented ways to avoid declaring their intentions clearly. So, in favor of cuddling (either emotional or physical, or both!) rather than courage, many men settle for "texting", "tweeting", "spending time", "talking", "Facebooking", or even "Snapchatting." When asked about his intentions, he will often (usually defensively) claim, "Wait a minute! We were just ______________ (fill in the blank with the appropriate vague word/phrase from the previously mentioned list)."

What does it mean to be courageous?

• State your intentions clearly and repeatedly. If you are spending time with a woman only to build a friendship, let her know. Up front. Often. If you are interested in pursuing a relationship beyond a mere friendship, then be clear. Ask her. Allow her time to pray and consider. Wait on the Lord.

• Follow your stated intentions with clear actions. If you are only "friends", then do not treat her as if she is in a special category (you know, a "special" friend). Text her only as much as you would text other friends.  Don't confuse her (and yourself) by saying one thing, and doing the other!

• Invite other godly men to hold you accountable. Share vulnerably, often, and honestly.  Let them help you evaluate your actions and words in light of God's Word. A godly man realizes the truth of Proverbs 16. 2, "All the ways of a man are pure in his own eyes", and so seeks to have other eyes watching and safeguarding him.

4. Purely. A godly man pursue purity over pleasure.

Treat ... the younger women as sisters, with absolute purity.

1 Timothy 5.2

As Paul writes to Timothy, his "son" in the faith, he is clear about what should characterize a young man's relationship with a young woman - purity. Absolute purity.

The implication is, well, simple. If a woman is not your wife (or mother, or grandmother!), she is your sister. Note that the Bible has no categories for "girlfriend", or "special interest". And, if she is your sister, then treat her as you would your sister. No more. No less.

Think about it this way - consider godly boundaries as some of your most valuable companions in relationships.

What does it mean to pursue purity over pleasure?

• It means that a godly man regards the Word of God as his standard, and never his surrounding culture. In response to the question, "How far can I go with a woman?", a godly man will answer, "Only as far as absolute purity will allow me."

• It means that a godly man leads in setting, and keeping, clear physical boundaries. He views them not as burdensome restrictions, but as a God-given opportunities to lead with integrity, and love with purity.

• It means that a godly man will avoid any and all situations which may compromise those boundaries. Even though sitting on the couch late at night, watching a movie in a darkened room, may seem like a great way to spend an evening, he knows that the temptation to impurity (in thought and/or deed) is great. Thus, he favors public places at appropriate hours for time together.

A concluding thought ...

You may have noticed something from the 4 benchmarks of a godly man listed above. Though unmentioned, one overriding quality of a godly man stands out as absolutely essential in this critical area of pursuing women. 

A godly man must be a man of faith. 

Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen. For by it the people of old received their commendation ... And without faith it is impossible to please him, for whoever would draw near to God must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who seek him ... By faith Moses, when he was grown up, refused to be called the son of Pharaoh's daughter, choosing rather to be mistreated with the people of God than to enjoy the fleeting pleasures of sin. He considered the reproach of Christ greater wealth than the treasures of Egypt, for he was looking to the reward.

Hebrews 11. 1-2, 6, 24-27

A godly man must believe, deeply and keenly, that trusting God is better than trusting his emotions, or his friends, or his hormones, or his late-night thoughts. He must remember that God promises to reward those who seek Him. And, at the moment of temptation, he must fight to believe that what God says is true, as he looks to the reward.

Men, the reward is assured. Jesus Himself promised,

"Seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, 

and all other things will be added to you."

Matthew 6. 33

At the cost of His own life, Jesus has secured for us a reward far greater than we could ever grasp. He has proved His trustworthiness at the cross (see Romans 8. 31-32). He can be trusted!

In the midst of your loneliness, your seeming never-ceasing passions, your arousing thoughts, your fears about the future, know this - you can trust Jesus. He understands. He, your Shepherd, will bring comfort and courage.

Just ask Him.

Yes, you CAN trust Him. 

Now. Tonight. Tomorrow. Always.

Continuing With Attraction: The 5 Characteristics of a Godly Woman

Last week we began our study of Song of Solomon by considering the all-important issue of "attraction". We answered the question - what SHOULD an "attractive" man look like? - by looking at Job 29, and finding the 5 characteristics of a godly man.

Now, we turn to the characteristics of a godly woman.

In some ways, it's hard to find a description of an attractive woman in the Bible ... at least the way our culture defines attractive. Is she tall or petite, blonde or brunette, athletic or artsy?

Now, its not that the Bible is silent on the matter. Not at all! Its just that what God considers attractive is the exact opposite of what our culture values!

In fact, the only description in Song of Solomon of the desirable woman is, well, pretty humorous! If you don't believe me, just read SoS 7. 1-6. (Hint: its symbolic, and she really was beautiful to her lover ... but more on that in an upcoming post!)

The picture that emerges from God's Word is not one focused on physical beauty (which our culture incessantly dwells on), but on the beauty of character. Godly character. In fact, the Bible goes to great pains to warn men (and women) about the folly of focusing on outward beauty ...

Charm is deceitful and beauty is vain,

but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised. 

Proverbs 31.30

There is no clearer picture in all of Scripture of a godly, attractive woman than that found in Proverbs 31. And so, it is to that passage that we now turn our attention (again, its long, but well worth the read) ...

¹⁰  An excellent wife who can find?
    She is far more precious than jewels.
¹¹ The heart of her husband trusts in her,
    and he will have no lack of gain.
¹² She does him good, and not harm,
    all the days of her life.
¹³ She seeks wool and flax,
    and works with willing hands.
¹⁴ She is like the ships of the merchant;
    she brings her food from afar.
¹⁵ She rises while it is yet night
    and provides food for her household
    and portions for her maidens.
¹⁶ She considers a field and buys it;
    with the fruit of her hands she plants a vineyard.
¹⁷ She dresses herself with strength
    and makes her arms strong.
¹⁸ She perceives that her merchandise is profitable.
    Her lamp does not go out at night.
¹⁹ She puts her hands to the distaff,
    and her hands hold the spindle.
²⁰ She opens her hand to the poor
    and reaches out her hands to the needy.
²¹ She is not afraid of snow for her household,
    for all her household are clothed in scarlet.
²² She makes bed coverings for herself;
    her clothing is fine linen and purple.
²³ Her husband is known in the gates
    when he sits among the elders of the land.
²⁴ She makes linen garments and sells them;
    she delivers sashes to the merchant.
²⁵ Strength and dignity are her clothing,
    and she laughs at the time to come.
²⁶ She opens her mouth with wisdom,
    and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue.
²⁷ She looks well to the ways of her household
    and does not eat the bread of idleness.
²⁸ Her children rise up and call her blessed;
    her husband also, and he praises her:
²⁹ “Many women have done excellently,
    but you surpass them all.”
³⁰ Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain,
    but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.
³¹ Give her of the fruit of her hands,
    and let her works praise her in the gates.

1. A godly woman is trustworthy, and is committed to her husband's good and honor (vs. 11-12). She handles what has been entrusted to her with great care and diligence, whether it be her room, her body, her relationships, or her tasks. Sh dresses modestly, yet beautifully, in a way that would honor her husband (either her husband now, or in the future) - she does not seek to entice men or draw attention to herself, but dresses in a way that reflects her confidence and security as a woman of God.  A godly woman is committed to honoring those whose authority she is under, and also believes the best of her leaders. She refrains from talking about others behind their backs, and refuses to be a source of gossip, or its easy destination. When her husband is absent, he knows that when his wife is speaking of him, she is speaking words of honor and trust.

2. A godly woman is resourceful and diligent (vs. 13-19, 24-25, 27). You could say that she is hard-working, but a godly woman is more than that. She handles with diligence what has been entrusted to her by the Lord. A godly woman does not complain that she is overwhelmed, is not a victim to her emotions, but seeks a godly balance in her life. And ... she is also resourceful. She refrains from "spinning her wheels" or wondering what might have been, or dwelling on "if only..." thoughts. She's not just waiting for the "right man" to come along and rescue her, but is busy with the tasks before her, intent on honoring the Lord where she is.

3. A godly woman is merciful and kind (v. 20). When she enters a room it brightens, not darkens! She loves to be an encourager, and to give life to those around her. The natural position of her face is that of a smile, not a frown. A godly woman is tender to others, and treats those who are different (or indifferent) with honor, charity, respect, and grace. She has a special place in her affections for the underdog and the needy, and loves to shower with grace those who could never repay her.

4. A godly woman is fearless and hopeful (vs. vs. 21-25). Her emotions are not out-of-control, always dominating what she says or does. She doesn't live by fear or worry about the future, but has an implicit trust in God, His goodness, and His care. A godly woman is not waiting for life to happen to her, or for her dreams to come true, but actively trusts and works with what the Lord has given her, where He has placed her.

5. A godly woman is wise and worthy of praise (vs. 26-31). Those around her, without much prompting, praise and bless her for her hard work, good character, and words of wisdom. She brings to others an aroma of life and joy. When a godly woman is not around, people miss her! She is a woman of whom her husband would be eager to say, "I could have had another wife, but I am so grateful to God that He gave me you. You excel them all."

Wow! Now that's an attractive woman!

But before we get to application, an important item of note. Here's a question that often arises in a discussion of godly womanhood - is physical beauty irrelevant? The simple answer is, of course, "no." The Bible never disregards physical beauty. Rather, it cautions men and women to see if for it is - a fleeting condition that may blind one to long-lasting issues that really matter.

Just to be clear - when a man is considering a woman, she should be physically and sexually attractive to him (see Proverbs 5. 18-19). 

But ... a man has to realize that the world is chock-full of sexually attractive woman who would make his life miserable. Which is why the Bible is clear: although sexual chemistry is necessary for a good marriage, it is NOT sufficient (again, read Proverbs 31.30).

Let's be honest - both the man's and woman's body will age! The apostle Paul put it bluntly when he wrote, "The outer man is decaying... " (2 Cor. 4.16). If a relationship is primarily based on outward attraction, it will fade and sag as surely as any pretty face. BUT if it is based on the attraction of a godly character, it will grow and flourish and increase as the years pass ("... but the inner person is being renewed day by day").

In fact, as a man focuses on what God considers attractive, it becomes the lens through which he is able to view others. As he renews his mind according to God's Word (Romans 12. 2), women whom the world considers unattractive suddenly become overwhelming enticing in his eyes!

And, ladies, here's the promise - as you focus on the inner beauty of a godly character, you will become immensely attractive!

Now, on to application ...

Ladies - are you working right now to become a godly woman? Are your energies directed toward your outward beauty, or your inner character? When you leave your room or house in the morning, do you spend more time on your outward appearance, or the inner and "imperishable" beauty of a quiet and gentle spirit?

Do not let your adorning be external—the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear— but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very precious.

1 Peter 3. 3-4

Men -  are you longing for, and praying that, God will bring into your life a godly woman? Are you disciplining your eyes and heart to view women through the lens of God's Word, rather than what the images of media would preach? As your eyes wander on campus, in the classroom, at the workplace, or NFL broadcasts, are you training yourself to say, with conviction and hope ... "Charm is deceitful and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised"?

But ... how can we do this? Is there actually hope for people like us, who are attracted to all the wrong things? Who constantly evaluate by shallow standards, and ignore the deeper issues that really matter?

Yes there is!

Perhaps you remember the childhood story The Ugly Duckling (by Hans Christian Andersen)? A little duckling, ugly and rejected by the other creatures, matures over the years into a beautiful & graceful swan.

I love that story. You know why?


It reminds me of the gospel of Jesus.


Jesus, the most beautiful of all, became ugly (see Isaiah 53.2-3) so that we could become beautiful. 

For the Lord takes pleasure in His people; He beautifies the humble with salvation.

Psalm 149.4

What great promise! What great hope! Jesus can take the most unattractive person - stained with sin, shame, and guilt - and beautify them with salvation.

As we rest on Jesus, He changes ugly ducklings into noble swans, sinners into saints, and "ordinary" men and women into those transformed and made beautiful by the gospel.

We must have the glory sink into us before it can be reflected from us. In deep inward beholding we must have Christ in our hearts, that He may shine forth in beauty from our lives.  

Alexander MacLaren

Have you beheld the glory of Jesus in the gospel? Has His glory sunk into you?

As it does, you'll see the world's view of attraction for what it is - shiny wrapping on cheap candy. 

AND you'll see the promise of godly attraction - beautiful treasures in jars of clay.

The 5 Characteristics of a Godly Man

Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth!

For your love is better than wine;

You anointing oils are fragrant;

Your name is oil poured out;

Therefore virgins love you.

Draw me after you; let us run ...

Song of Solomon 1.2-4

Solomon's song, written so long ago, speaks powerfully today.

In the midst of so much confusion about love & romance, God's Word breaks through with disarming grace and refreshing truth.

So, lets talk about ... attraction. 

Now, we all know what normally attracts someone to the opposite sex:

* A MAN is often attracted to woman by her physical appearance, the amount of attention she pays to him (you know, how she smiles at just the right time, looks at him just a bit longer than others do, laughs at his jokes), and how he feels about himself by being around her.

* A WOMAN is often attracted to a man who pays attention to her, and makes her feel, you know, special. Even beautiful. Depending on her personality and upbringing, she may be attracted to a strong personality (someone who can lead her), or a "nice guy" (someone with whom she can feel safe).

This is "normal" attraction. It's the stuff of movies and song lyrics. It's the story-line for romance novels and Facebook posts. But - is it "right"? Is it "healthy"?



In the opening verses of Song of Solomon, we hear the woman speaking about what attracted her to Solomon. She boldly exclaims, "Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth"? What makes a woman so desire the intimacy and affection of a man?

What's startling is that we don't know many things about Solomon (was he handsome, or athletic; did he have a sense of humor?). BUT what we do know is this: she considers it a privilege to be pursued by him, and thinks that other women should be jealous of her ("therefore virgins love you"). She considers him sweet and precious ("your anointing oils are fragrant; your name is oil poured out")!

So ... what does an attractive man look like? Does he have an athletic build? Is he the life of the party? Is he a sharp dresser, or an intellectual giant?

For our answer, let's look at five characteristics of a godly man from a portion of Scripture that (perhaps) was in Solomon's mind as he crafted his song.

Let's consider Job 29 (it's somewhat long, but well worth the read)...

And Job again took up his discourse, and said:

² “Oh, that I were as in the months of old,
    as in the days when God watched over me,
³ when his lamp shone upon my head,
    and by his light I walked through darkness,
⁴ as I was in my prime,
    when the friendship of God was upon my tent,
⁵ when the Almighty was yet with me,
    when my children were all around me,
⁶ when my steps were washed with butter,
    and the rock poured out for me streams of oil!
⁷ When I went out to the gate of the city,
    when I prepared my seat in the square,
⁸ the young men saw me and withdrew,
    and the aged rose and stood;
⁹ the princes refrained from talking
    and laid their hand on their mouth;
¹⁰ the voice of the nobles was hushed,
    and their tongue stuck to the roof of their mouth.
¹¹ When the ear heard, it called me blessed,
    and when the eye saw, it approved,
¹² because I delivered the poor who cried for help,
    and the fatherless who had none to help him.
¹³ The blessing of him who was about to perish came upon me,
    and I caused the widow's heart to sing for joy.
¹⁴ I put on righteousness, and it clothed me;
    my justice was like a robe and a turban.
¹⁵ I was eyes to the blind
    and feet to the lame.
¹⁶ I was a father to the needy,
    and I searched out the cause of him whom I did not know.
¹⁷ I broke the fangs of the unrighteous
    and made him drop his prey from his teeth.
¹⁸ Then I thought, ‘I shall die in my nest,
    and I shall multiply my days as the sand,
¹⁹ my roots spread out to the waters,
    with the dew all night on my branches,
²⁰ my glory fresh with me,
    and my bow ever new in my hand.’

²¹ “Men listened to me and waited
    and kept silence for my counsel.
²² After I spoke they did not speak again,
    and my word dropped upon them.
²³ They waited for me as for the rain,
    and they opened their mouths as for the spring rain.
²⁴ I smiled on them when they had no confidence,
    and the light of my face they did not cast down.
²⁵ I chose their way and sat as chief,
    and I lived like a king among his troops,
    like one who comforts mourners.

1. A godly man is a man of God (vs. 1-4). Not nominally, or "officially", but really. A godly man doesn't just punch his ticket at church or Bible study; rather, the "friendship of God" is upon his tent (vs. 4). You can almost see him growing! He has a passion for the things of God. Despite all of his flaws and failures, this man is repenting more easily, confessing more deeply, and pursuing God more doggedly than many of his peers.

2. A godly man loves children (vs. 5). In Job's context, we see this man of God surrounded by his children. He doesn't merely endure them; he's moved past being amused by them, or annoyed with them. His vision of life extends beyond fitting children into his life later so that his best years are spent in pursuit of his pleasures and dreams. A godly man sees children as being critical to a vision of life, and what it means to raise up the next generation. In fact, he is always looking beyond himself, investing in others for the sake of Christ's kingdom.

3. A godly man has earned the respect of others (vs. 6-11). This is critical - what do others say about him? As older, mature Christians consider him, what is their opinion? What do his roommates, his employer, his professors, his friends think of him? Is he just part of the crowd, or does he stand out for his character? Do others want to spend time with him because his influence and friendship is vital and precious, or is he just easy to "hang" with? You see, to marry a man you can respect, you have to marry a respectable man.

4. A godly man is a man of mercy & kindness (vs. 12-17). He doesn't wait to be asked to serve; rather, he eagerly looks for opportunities. He is quick with an encouraging word. A godly man is tender and gentle, not harsh or easily stirred to anger. When his passion is stirred, it is on behalf of the oppressed, the "weaker vessels." Rather than building his ego through flirting or boasting, he longs to build others up with the courage of the gospel.

5. A godly man speaks and lives wisdom (vs. 21-24). He has taken the portion of God's kingdom entrusted to him (whether it be a room, a job, a class, or a relationship) and has endeavored to rule it well & wisely for God's honor and glory. A godly man knows how to read, and what to read, as he seeks to grow in knowledge. Consequently, others come to him for counsel - they may not always like what they hear, but they have trouble disagreeing with its wisdom.


What a vision for godly manhood! Verse 25 of Job's discourse sums it up well - he "lived like a king among his troops". This man is a leader, one to whom his family could look for emotional, spiritual, and physical leadership. He is a man any woman would be glad to respect, help, admire, and love.

What is the woman's response to this godly man? "Draw me after you, let us run. The king has brought me into his chambers." (SoS 1. 4) As she reflects on how privileged she is to love this man of God, she longs to be with him, to submit to him, to enjoy him.

So, let's apply this lesson:

Ladies - is this the kind of man you are looking for? Is this the kind of man you are filling your dreams and desires with, or have you settled for what our culture easily passes off as a "good catch"? Are you praying that the kind of man that God says is attractive becomes increasingly attractive to you?

Men - is this the kind of man you long to be? More than hoping for a beautiful wife, are you laboring now to be a godly man, the kind of man that any godly woman would desire?

Of course, the hope for any godly man, or any discerning woman, is not in themselves. Our hope is clearly and unashamedly in the gospel of Jesus. 

Jesus is the true Lover of our lives, hearts, and souls. He was attractive far beyond all conceptions of attraction. But (and here's the wonder of it all), He gave it all up for me. And for you.

... he had no form or majesty that we should look at him,

    and no beauty that we should desire him.

He was despised and rejected by men;
    a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief;
and as one from whom men hide their faces
    he was despised, and we esteemed him not.         

Isaiah 53. 2-3

Jesus died to make us beautiful in God's sight. That's right - the most attractive One in all creation became unattractive, so that we might become gorgeous before God, completely forgiven, declared righteous in His sight.

And until your security is solidly built on Jesus, until you first see yourself as beautiful in His sight, you will be drawn to fleeting romance, cheap affection, and shallow attraction.

“The world takes us to a silver screen on which flickering images of passion and romance play, and as we watch, the world says, “This is love.” God takes us to the foot of a tree on which a naked and bloodied man hangs and says, “This is love.”

Joshua Harris, I Kissed Dating Goodbye

May you be attracted to the affection of Christ and love of God. And may it transform you as you behold it.