Fighting for Unity: Five Steps to Redeeming Conflict

We've all been in it, far too often.

Whether at school, church, the dinner table, the dorm room, or any number of situations and circumstances, it was highly unpleasant, somewhat unexpected, and instantly regrettable.

In fact some of you may, even now, be experiencing it (and wishing it would quickly end).

Conflict.

It's a fact of life. At least this side of glory!

Some of us will do anything to avoid it, while some of us love the challenge. But most of us feel sorely equipped to deal with it.

But consider these questions ...

Can God really redeem conflict, or do we just have to endure it? In other words, does the Bible gives us any hope and any tools to understand & deal with conflict? Is it possible, in the midst of a "fight", to honor God, and emerge from it with a deeper love & unity than before?

Yes! Absolutely, yes!

The apostle Paul's words in Philippians 4 gives us five steps to encourage and equip us in the fight for unity. 

The context is a brewing conflict between two co-laborers of Paul - Eudoia and Syntyche. As Paul closes his letter, he gives valuable instructions to the church on redeeming conflict.

² I entreat Euodia and I entreat Syntyche to agree in the Lord. ³ Yes, I ask you also, true companion, help these women, who have labored side by side with me in the gospel together with Clement and the rest of my fellow workers, whose names are in the book of life.
⁴ Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice. ⁵ Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand; ⁶ do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. ⁷ And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
⁸ Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. ⁹ What you have learned and received and heard and seen in me—practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you.

Five Steps to Redeeming Conflict

1. Rejoice in the Lord. Always. (vs. 4)

Now, I know what you're thinking. Rejoice IN conflict? Impossible. I mean, rejoice in lack of conflict - yes! Rejoice after conflict is settled - yes! But rejoice IN conflict?!

Yes! And in case we didn't understand the apostle the first time he writes this command, he repeats himself " ... again I will say, rejoice."

And note the other qualifier embedded in this command - always. "Rejoice in the Lord always..." And "always" means ... always!

• In every situation
• At all times
• No matter what your emotions might be

Just so we are clear, this is different than the command to be "happy". Joy is deeper, more foundational. You see, you CAN rejoice, even in the midst of bitter conflict that ...

• God is in control;
• All things are working together for good
• God's perfect plan is to use all things and all situations to make you and I more like Jesus.

If you don't believe me, read Romans 8. 28-31.

Yes, we CAN rejoice. As always, perspective is everything. So, cast your gaze beyond the situation, let it rest on the faithful, powerful plan and work of God and ... rejoice.


2. Let your reasonableness show. (vs. 5)

Reasonableness. Gentleness. Large-heartedness. Kindness. Generosity of spirit.

It's the opposite of rudeness, irritability, abrasiveness, impatience.

The command is clear. As your mind is renewed, as you consider God's gracious and sovereign plan, as you root your joy in His work and not your predicament:

• Believe the best about the other person.
• Treat the other person as you would want to be treated.
• As Jesus has treated you in your conflict with Him, so treat another.

Why? Because "the Lord is at hand."  In every conflict between two people, there is always a third party. The Lord Himself. The One who covered your sins and transgressions, the One who "did not treat us as our sins deserved" (Psalm 103. 10-14) is present.

And NOTE - its not just an inward, hidden attitude. Paul is clear - let it show! Let it be known to everyone. Move toward the other person. Speak kindly and gently. Be generous and patient.


3. Replace anxiety with prayer. (vs. 6-7)

The apostle knows us all too well! In the midst of conflict, we spend a great deal of time focused on unhelpful things - how much we have been hurt, what the other person said/did, what they deserve, etc.

Thus, his counsel is so wise - instead of stewing on the conflict, pray!

Isn't it funny? In the middle of a fight, its the one thing I most need to do, but its also the one thing I am most inclined to avoid!

And NOTE that our prayers should be filled with thanksgiving. As we pray, we should ...

• Thank God for the privilege of being entrusted with this situation.
• Thank God that He is in control, and that ALL things are working together for good.
• Thank God that we have the honor of imaging Jesus in a difficult time.

4. Tell yourself a different story. (v. 8)

When conflict comes, it often looms large in our eyes. It tends to dominate life, and colors the way we view things. We often focus on the negative, exaggerate the offense, make much of the hurt, and minimize points of actual agreement.

If you are like me at all, the more I focus on the conflict, the bigger it becomes (at least in my own mind)!

The apostle shifts our normal tendencies here. Paul says that when conflict arises, deliberately think about what is true, honorable, just, pure, lovely, and commendable about the person and the situation.

It will often be hard, but not impossible. Hence the repetition of "whatever...". Strenuously look for evidences of grace, search hard for things to commend.

He who seeks good finds good, but evil comes to him who searches for it.

Proverbs 11.27

As the conflict stirs the thoughts and passions, counterbalance your natural inclination to dwell on what is wrong and divisive, and instead force yourself to dwell on what is good and praiseworthy.


5. Practice what you've learned. (vs. 9)

Honoring the Lord through conflict is not a one-time event. And its never learned in a moment.

In any given conflict, I have had to practice, practice, practice. Sometimes multiple times in a day. Often multiple times in a conversation!

Paul models a man who has learned these things through the school of repetition ...

• As the conflict over his imprisonment, and the rumors about him, begin to swirl, Paul practices the fight for unity (read Phil. 1. 12-14).
• As the conflict over those who seem to be preaching Jesus out of wrong motives threatens the peace of the church, Paul practices the fight for unity (read Phil. 1. 15-18)
• As he faced conflict of those who. though within the church, were walking as enemies of the cross, Paul practices the fight for unity (read Phil. 3. 17-21).

And even now, as Paul languishes in prison, God is not done with him yet.

That is why we must not be surprised if we are in for a rough time ... God is forcing him on, or up, to a higher level: putting him into situations where he will have to be very much braver, or more patient, or more loving, than he ever dreamed of being before. It seems to us all unnecessary: but that is because we have not yet had the slightest notion of the tremendous thing He means to make of us.

CS Lewis, Mere Christianity

As God puts Paul in the school of conflict, the apostle (by the grace of God) passes the test. So can you.

Practice, practice, practice.

Real Hope in the Fight for Unity

The currency of forgiveness is nails and wood.

Martin Luther

Fighting for unity is hard. Persevering in the midst of conflict seems at times ... well, almost impossible. 

What can enable us to rejoice, to move toward the other person, to pray without worry, to keep practicing?

Only the gospel.

Do you know that God Himself engages in conflict? In fact, the storyline of the Bible is of God entering into conflict in order to save and redeem a people for Himself.

Hos goal? Gaining for Himself great glory by purchasing a people for His own, and transferring them from the kingdom of darkness into the kingdom of light SO THAT they would no longer be enemies, but friends.

How did He do it? Thru the person and work of Jesus. 

¹³ But now in Christ Jesus you who once were far off have been brought near by the blood of Christ. ¹⁴ For he himself is our peace, who has made us both one and has broken down in his flesh the dividing wall of hostility ¹⁵ by abolishing the law of commandments expressed in ordinances, that he might create in himself one new man in place of the two, so making peace, ¹⁶ and might reconcile us both to God in one body through the cross, thereby killing the hostility.                                                      Ephesians 2. 13-16

On the cross of Jesus, the biggest, most dangerous conflict we ever had was met and solved. If you are a Christian, you NOW have peace with God (see Romans 5.1). Thus, as Christians, what unites us is infinitely greater than what could ever divide us.

Your greatest battle has been won for you. Therefore, no other battle can ever really sink you! If God is for you, then who can be against you? So ... engage in what God has put before you. Rejoice. Pray with thanksgiving. Display gentleness. Tell yourself a different story. 

And practice.

Game-Player or World-Changer? 4 Marks of a Transformed Man

We few, we happy few, we band of brothers; For he to-day that sheds his blood with me Shall be my brother; be he ne'er so vile, This day shall gentle his condition: And gentlemen in England now a-bed Shall think themselves accursed they were not here, And hold their manhoods cheap whiles any speaks That fought with us upon Saint Crispin's day. 

Henry V, Shakespeare

 The choice for every man is clear - invest his life in what matters, or spend his days in what fades. Or, to use Shakespeare's image, to shed blood in a noble cause, or lie drowsily (and fearfully) "a-bed".

History is built upon the courageous shoulders (and redeemed hearts) of men who have resisted the siren song of trivial amusements, and heeded the bracing call of godly virtue.

The choice is clear - playing games for the moment, or producing fruit for eternity.

Sadly, its easy for men to find that their lives are nothing more than playing games. Intense games. Fun games. Athletic games. Electronic games. Games with relationships. Games with careers. Adult, approved-by-culture, winning-the-applause-of-many games. 

But games, nonetheless.

Years ago, the words of Jesus stopped me dead in my game-playing tracks ...

Not everyone who says to me, 'Lord, Lord', will enter the kingdom of heaven, but the one who does the will of my Father who is in heaven. On that day many will say to me, 'Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name, and cast out demons in your name, and do many mighty works in your name?' And then I will declare to them, 'I never knew you; depart from me, you workers of lawlessness.'

Matthew 7. 21-23

Chilling, isn't it?  

To find out at the last day that your involvement with Christianity was less about allegiance, and more about activity. That it was more about "you" than it ever was about "Him". That you were more a "fan" than you ever were a "follower".

Want to know what is tragic? To find out that your life was a game, a game that you eventually lost. In fact, the word "tragic" does not even begin to describe that condition.

Thankfully, God's Word gives us key markers to avoid the alluring deception of game-playing, and press toward the reality of real transformation. 

It helps us answer the question - am I a game-player, or a world-changer?

For this we turn to the prophet Isaiah.

In the life of Isaiah, let's consider THE momentous event of his life, and how it radically shaped his understanding of himself, the Lord, and his mission in the world.

The setting is, well, dramatic. Isaiah goes to the Temple (as usual). But on this particular day, he meets the last person he really ever expected to meet in worship - God! The encounter was life-changing, and world-changing ...

In the year that King Uzziah died I saw the Lord sitting upon a throne, high and lifted up; and the train of his robe filled the temple. ² Above him stood the seraphim. Each had six wings: with two he covered his face, and with two he covered his feet, and with two he flew. ³ And one called to another and said:

“Holy, holy, holy is the Lord of hosts;
the whole earth is full of his glory!”

⁴ And the foundations of the thresholds shook at the voice of him who called, and the house was filled with smoke. ⁵ And I said: “Woe is me! For I am lost; for I am a man of unclean lips, and I dwell in the midst of a people of unclean lips; for my eyes have seen the King, the Lord of hosts!”

⁶ Then one of the seraphim flew to me, having in his hand a burning coal that he had taken with tongs from the altar. ⁷ And he touched my mouth and said: “Behold, this has touched your lips; your guilt is taken away, and your sin atoned for.”

⁸ And I heard the voice of the Lord saying, “Whom shall I send, and who will go for us?” Then I said, “Here I am! Send me.”

 Isaiah 6. 1-8

Four Marks of a Transformed Man

1. You have a more astonishing view of the Lord than you ever thought possible.

Why was Isaiah so radically impacted that day? Surely he "knew" God. In fact, he was a prophet of the Lord, representing the interests of God to a rebellious generation. If anyone shouldn't have been surprised by the Lord, surely it was Isaiah!

But in this passage, we see him ... overwhelmed! Every prior category in which the Lord had been contained in the mind & life of Isaiah was exploded.  As he lay trembling at the threshold of the temple, he saw a scene more astonishing that he ever thought possible.

As the holiness of the Lord was declared by the seraphim, as His glory over the whole earth was pronounced, every portion of the formidable Temple shook. For Isaiah, God was no longer the One who had merely called him, no longer the One to whom the nation owed its service. Rather, this was the holy-holy-holy God over all the universe.

Let me ask you - has the person and character of God astonished you recently? This is more than intellectual interest, or passive praise. This is astonishment! 

As you consider the Word of God and the works of God, do you sense you are a mere midget in the presence of colossal other-worldly greatness?


2. You have a deeper awareness of your own sin than you have ever admitted.

Only one thing in the Temple that day trembled more than the foundations of the thresholds. Isaiah!

As Isaiah encounters the absolute splendor and holiness of God his immediate reaction is one of despair. "Woe is me ... I am lost..." Consider the words of Charles Spurgeon:

“Then said I, woe is me!” All God’s saints do this when they get a view of him. There was never a boastful thought in any man’s mind in the presence of God. They that talk of their own purity have not known God, neither seen him. How could they! This is the cry of all the purified when they come into the presence of God.

Even the lips of Isaiah - those lips that were used to speak of the Lord to His people - were viewed in a new light. Unclean! All boasting was gone, all preening ceased, all self-adulation was arrested. Isaiah had seen the "King, the Lord of hosts", and it had "undone" him.

Brothers, have you been ever undone by the Lord?

Have you come to the point of admitting that all of your failures, as well as all of your successes, wither in comparison to the absolute standards of a holy God?

Are you eager to have your sin exposed, or do you still play the game of blaming, excusing, rationalizing, and avoiding? And, when it is exposed, do you rejoice (see Proverbs 9.8, 15.31).

Do you by faith embrace this admission - "I am worse than I could ever imagine?" If so, rejoice - the transformation has begun!


3. You have a richer view of forgiveness than you ever imagined.

The transition between Isaiah's guilt and the Lord's forgiveness is almost instantaneous.

Note the progress in verses 5 & 6. Isaiah confesses his sin, and immediately an angel flies to him, bringing the fire of God (note that even the angel uses tongs because he cannot touch the fire and live!).

The judgment of God touches Isaiah's lips and ... he is cleansed!

Atonement has been made. Guilt has been pardoned. Forgiveness has been extended. Justice has been met! The needed sacrifice has been made, and the sins of God's people are covered!

Amazing! At the instant of Isaiah's most humbling admission of utter guilt is his most astounding experience of utter forgiveness.

Brothers, do you know the reality of complete forgiveness? Are you resting in the knowledge that you are both deeply known (through and through) and deeply loved (over and beyond), at the same time?

Do you regularly struggle with guilt  and shame, or have you learned to sing the song of gospel freedom ...

My sin, O the bliss of this glorious thought,

My sin, not in part but the whole,

Is nailed to the cross and I bear it no more!

Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!

It Is Well With My Soul

4. You have a fuller commitment to service than you ever dreamed.

Isaiah's response to his life-changing encounter with the holiness of God, the wretchedness of his own sin, and the astonishment of complete forgiveness is nothing short of amazing.

"Here am I. Send me!" 

He doesn't know the task before him. He has no idea of the scope or demands of the job. He hasn't run a cost-benefit analysis. In fact, Isaiah knows nothing more (and nothing less) than what is absolutely essential for any world-changer - God has forgiven him completely, and now God invites Him graciously to be part of the task of reaching the world. 

In that moment, the "needs" of Isaiah fade into the background. His interests lose their ... interest. And the agenda and glory of God emerge to dominate his life.

And, just so we are clear - if you were to read further in Isaiah 6 you would see that the task before Isaiah was formidable. No one would ever listen to him. No one would ever understand. Isaiah would be God's instrument of judgment to a rebellious nation.

Isaiah, that's the job. Still want it? "Here am I. Send me!"

Brothers, has the reality of the gospel transformed your life? Are you living in the claustrophobic world of self-protection and self-interest, or have you broken through to the world of selfless abandon and radical sacrifice?

As you think about the future, is your mind more dominated by issues of comfort, success, and security, or have you entrusted yourself to a God who calls the unlikely to do the unbelievable?

Have you put aside the games that so easily preoccupy our minds and sap our energies, and are you eagerly (and fanatically) embracing every opportunity to lose your life for the sake of the gospel?

A final (and much-needed) word about hope. 

The hope for the godly man is never found within. It is never attained through self-effort or self-discipline. No amount of sweat nor tears can achieve it.

At least not ours.

Isaiah's hope was found outside of him. As it is with us.

Centuries after Isaiah's time there was another earthquake. There was another disruption in the Temple. There was another man undone by sin and impending judgment.

Jesus, the perfectly righteous One, took upon Himself all the sin of His people. When He died upon the cross the earth shook, the curtain of the Temple was torn in two (see Matthew 26).

And the guilty were set free. Free to confess, free to embrace, free to serve.

Brothers, rest on Jesus as your only hope. Let Him free you from the tyranny of small games, and equip you for the freedom of changing the world, one life at a time.

Men Vs. Boys: 8 Critical Differences

Let's face it, our culture (and our churches & fellowships) are full of them. We call them "men" but, in reality, they are "boys". That's right - boys in (sometimes) grown-up clothes.

They spend their days playing little games. Little games on the computer. Little games in relationships. Little games on their phones. Little games in their minds.

They have their grown-up toys, their grown-up diversions, their "adult" past-times, their little hobbies, their "men dens" (or playrooms).

It may be an addiction to computer games, an obsession with fantasy football, a preoccupation with the opposite sex, a longing for free time, a habit of "sleeping in". Oh, the list goes on and on and on ...

No one's going to catch me and make me a man!

I want to be a little boy and have fun!

Peter Pan

Whatever they (or you) may call it, anyone who understand God's call to manhood knows what it really is. Boyhood. Plain and (painfully) simple.

Psalm 51, written by King David after his disastrous relationship with Bathsheba, exposes the heart of man who has finally been rescued from boyhood.

As we study it briefly, consider this ...

Ladies - is this type of man you are looking for, or have you settled for a boy?

Men - do you long to grow up, and be the man God destined you to be?

Psalm 51

A Psalm of David, when Nathan the prophet went to him, after he had gone in to Bathsheba.
Have mercy on me, O God,
    according to your steadfast love;
according to your abundant mercy
    blot out my transgressions.
² Wash me thoroughly from my iniquity,
    and cleanse me from my sin!

³ For I know my transgressions,
    and my sin is ever before me.
⁴ Against you, you only, have I sinned
    and done what is evil in your sight,
so that you may be justified in your words
    and blameless in your judgment.
⁵ Behold, I was brought forth in iniquity,
    and in sin did my mother conceive me.
⁶ Behold, you delight in truth in the inward being,
    and you teach me wisdom in the secret heart.

⁷ Purge me with hyssop, and I shall be clean;
    wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow.
⁸ Let me hear joy and gladness;
    let the bones that you have broken rejoice.
⁹ Hide your face from my sins,
    and blot out all my iniquities.
¹⁰ Create in me a clean heart, O God,
    and renew a right spirit within me.
¹¹ Cast me not away from your presence,
    and take not your Holy Spirit from me.
¹² Restore to me the joy of your salvation,
    and uphold me with a willing spirit.

¹³ Then I will teach transgressors your ways,
    and sinners will return to you.
¹⁴ Deliver me from bloodguiltiness, O God,
    O God of my salvation,
    and my tongue will sing aloud of your righteousness.
¹⁵ O Lord, open my lips,
    and my mouth will declare your praise.
¹⁶ For you will not delight in sacrifice, or I would give it;
    you will not be pleased with a burnt offering.
¹⁷ The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit;
    a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise.

¹⁸ Do good to Zion in your good pleasure;
    build up the walls of Jerusalem;
¹⁹ then will you delight in right sacrifices,
    in burnt offerings and whole burnt offerings;
    then bulls will be offered on your altar.

8 Critical Differences Between A Man and A Boy

1.  A boy thinks he is a natural hero; a man knows he is a rescued sinner.

While a boy loves to fantasize about his own greatness, a man has given up all illusions - he knows that he is a sinner, through and through. 

Note the theme of verses 1-3 - "... my transgressions ... my sin ... I know my transgressions ... my sin is ever before me." What utter honesty! What courage! In a culture in which self-esteem is cherished, David pictures for us a man who has rejected the illusion of his own goodness. Rather, he begins with the humble admission of who he really is - a sinner.


2. A boy lives to please everyone (but mostly himself); a man understands that his primary audience is God. 

The cry of a boy is familiar, "Who wants to play with me?", "Who wants to be my friend?" A boy plays and lives for whatever audience gains him the greatest applause and payback in the moment.

But verse 4 captures the focus of a man - "Against you, you only, have I sinned  ... in your sight." Its clear, a man lives for one audience - God. He realizes that how he lives his life, how he conducts his day, how he interacts with others, what he dwells on with his mind, what he does with his hands ... all are done in the sight of God. One thought often occupies his thinking, "How can I honor God?"


3. A boy has honed the skill of blaming others and excusing himself; a man welcomes responsibility, accountability, and even blame.

Listen to a boy, and you'll hear it repeated all-too often, "Not me." "I didn't do it." "Wasn't my fault."

Note so with a man. Again, note the repetition in verses 1-3 - "my transgressions, my iniquity ... my sin ... I sinned ..." No blame-shifting here! No hiding here! David pictures a man from whom the illusion of self-righteousness has been stripped away, and in its place is utter, overwhelming (almost embarassing) humility.


4. A boy delights in playing games and having "fun"; a man delights in knowing truth and gaining wisdom.

A boy loves to be busy with trivial things. At the end of the day, he is exhausted from ... well, its often hard to tell!

But a man finds great delight, even joy, in maturity, learning, and growing. His eyes are on the things of God, and he longs for the next opportunity that God puts before him. As he does this, a man reflects God - "... you delight in truth ... you teach me wisdom." (vs. 6). 

A man knows that we always do what we delight to do, and God has so worked in him that he delights in wisdom and truth. Therefore, nothing and no one can keep him from it.


5. A boy lives for happiness; a man labors for joy.

A boy lives for the moment. His goal is to be happy. It really doesn't matter how it happens, or how long it lasts, but he wants it. Now.

Verses 7-12 paint a radically different picture. As David was forgiven and freed from the temporary "happiness" of an adulterous affair, he discovered the lasting joy of salvation. "Restore to me the joy of your salvation." No longer were his emotions chained to the events surrounding him; rather, they were tethered to the reality of his standing before God. The fruit of this joy was stability in hard times, patience in affliction, and hope amidst discouragement.


6. A boy's life cries out, "Me!"; a man's life proclaims, "Others!".

A boy is concerned about ... being a boy. His days are spent on his pursuits, his interests, his passions. The ultimate test of any task or event for a boy - how did it make him feel?

Not so a man. 

As David experiences the joy of his salvation, his immediate thought is for others. He declares (in verse 13), "Then I will teach transgressors your ways ..." As a godly man, David showed an eagerness to invest in others, not for his own gain, but because of what he had gained from the Lord. A man's energy is spent in pouring out his life in service to others.


7. A boy's words are quickly (and easily) forgotten; a man's words are precious and treasured.

Thomas Watson (a Puritan pastor) once wrote, "Most people talk the way a child scribbles - aimlessly." Ouch! When a boy talks, you often hope it will end quickly (and painlessly).

As David considered his words, he prayed, "O Lord, open my lips, and my mouth will declare your praise." (vs. 15) David longed to have his mouth full of God's praise, and the overflow of his tongue be words of life. A man knows that his greatest asset (and most potent weapon) is his tongue, and he longs for it to be used to bring healing, wisdom, and grace.



8. A boy finds great delight in boyhood; a man finds great delight in being a man ... of God.

A boy never wants boyhood to end. Weekends are always too short, summer vacations pass too quickly, games never seem to last long enough! Wahhh!


A man understands the wisdom and attraction of what Paul wrote ...

When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. 
When I became a man, I gave up childish ways.

! Corinthians 13. 11

Though thankful to the Lord for the season of boyhood, a man realizes it had one overriding purpose - to prepare him for the future. And so to godly manhood he eagerly, humbly, and gratefully strains.

 When David's time to die drew near, he commanded Solomon his son, saying, “I am about to go the way of all the earth. Be strong, and show yourself a man, and keep the charge of the Lord your God, walking in his ways and keeping his statutes, his commandments, his rules, and his testimonies, as it is written in the Law of Moses, that you may prosper in all that you do and wherever you turn...

1 Kings 2. 1-3 

Ladies, as you look at the men around you, are you clear on the difference between a "man" and a "boy"? As a husband, father, and former boy, may I plead with you? Do not marry a boy (unless, that is, you really want to be a mom, and not a wife, partner, or help-mate)!

Men, put away childish things! In a culture in which boyhood is celebrated and coveted, long for the things of God. Embrace maturity, strive hard after responsibility, labor at wisdom. Christ in you is the hope of glory (Colossians 1.27). Live in that reality!

And Jesus, the true and perfect God-Man, will, through the power of His cross and resurrection in your life, transform you and use you. Remember, if any man is in Christ, he is a new creation - the old is gone, the new has come (2 Cor. 5.17).

My hope is built on nothing less

Than Jesus' blood and righteousness.

I dare not trust the sweetest frame,

But wholly lean on Jesus' name.

On Christ, the solid rock, I stand;

All other ground is sinking sand!

All other ground is sinking sand!

Edward Mote (1834)

Seven Truths for Struggling Singles (part 2 of 7)

 

All healthy men, ancient and modern, Eastern and Western, 

know that there is a certain fury in sex that we cannot afford to inflame, 

and that a certain mystery and awe must ever surround it if we are to remain sane.

GK Chesterton

Ok. Let's get right to it.

Last week we considered the first truth to consider if you are single, and don't want to be. It was hard, but clear - you can learn contentment.

Now let's deal with the second truth. And, if you thought contentment was impossible, buckle your seat belts.  For in this post we go where most singles (and marrieds, and young, and old, and rich, and poor, etc) think they could never go.

Yep. Self-control.

Let's talk about it first, then let's end with the hope & power of the gospel.

2. You can exercise self-control.

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law.  
And those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires.

Galatians 5. 22-24 

For most singles, self-control seems ... impossible! Day after day, he or she is assaulted by images from the media that inflame desire, inner thoughts that stir deep longings, side comments that bruise and chafe, and glances that seem to quicken the pulse and deaden resolve.

For many, the question that plagues them is this - is there any hope beyond the usual cycle of giving in ... feeling guilty ... repenting ... giving in again ... feeling guilty again ... repenting again ...?


Yes. The Bible promises that those who are indwelt by God's Spirit can (and will) evidence the fruit of the Spirit. And part of the fruit is self-control.

That's right. Self-control.

In speaking about sexual immorality, the apostle Paul writes ...

“All things are lawful for me,” but not all things are helpful. “All things are lawful for me,” but I will not be dominated by anything.

I Corinthians 6.12 

Other versions use the words "enslaved" or "mastered". 

Paul is taking a common saying in the culture of his day, "All things are lawful for me", and exposing the lie underneath.  He aims his weapon of truth at the claim, "I can do anything I want", and exposes it for what it is - poison masquerading as medicine. 

Or guilt-ridden bondage wearing the mask of true freedom.

Consider this - who loves food more: a ravenous glutton, or a discerning eater? You see, one (the glutton) is a slave to his habit and appetite. The other experiences true joy and freedom. He knows when to eat, and when to pass. He knows the best meal comes at the right time, in the right way.

So it is with our sexuality. 

Sadly, though, for many singles the call to self-control seems stifling. In the midst of their discouragement, they turn to Paul's words to the church at Corinth (quoted below) and conclude, "See, even the Bible knows I can't do it! And I do plan to get married, but not now! So, what do I do now with my longings?"

To the unmarried ... I say that it is good for them to remain single as I am. But if they cannot exercise self-control, they should marry. For it is better to marry than to burn with passion.

1 Corinthians 7. 8-9

I have found a quote by John Piper to be helpful:

The very concept of self-control implies a battle between a divided self. It implies that our 'self' produces desires we should not satisfy but instead 'control'. We should deny ourselves and take up our cross daily, Jesus says, and follow Him. Daily our self produces desires that should be denied or controlled.

The key to exercising self-control is just that - exercising. Just like a muscle that is exercised becomes stronger and more resilient, so it is with self-control. 

So, how do you exercise self-control?

a. Consider carefully what you wear. Ladies, do you dress to attract the attention of others, or to honor God? Men, do you dress in a way that attracts attention and exhibits your body, or is your goal to honor God?

b. Diligently monitor what you watch. Most singles are much more attached to sensuality than they think. What do you watch on TV or cable? What do your eyes linger on while on Facebook. As you walk through your day, do you avert your eyes in moments of temptation, or do you steal a second glance? David writes in Psalm 101.3, "I will not set before my eyes anything that is worthless." Can you say the same?

c. Ruthlessly guard what you ponder. As your lay in bed at night, or in the early morning hours, what do you allow your mind to dwell on? Is it thoughts of forbidden people, past encounters, fantasy settings? Or do you dwell on "whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure ..." (Philippians 4. 8). Solomon writes in Proverbs 23.7, "As a man thinks in his heart, so he is." What do you think on?

d. Zealously consider your patterns. For many, self-control is not lost in the "big" battles, but in the small skirmishes of each day. Here are some questions to expose your habits:

• Do you avoid suggestive or flirtatious conversations, even in jest?
• Are you careful about touching members of the opposite sex, even in seemingly "innocent" ways (like a backrub, or prolonged hug)?
• Have you acknowledged what the "difficult" times of the day are for you, and prepared accordingly (i.e. switching off your phone late at night to avoid surfing or texting; sitting in the front of class to avoid a wandering eye).

Let's end with the hope of the gospel. I know I need it (and so do you)!

Run, John, run, the law commands
But gives us neither feet nor hands,
Far better news the gospel brings:
It bids us fly and gives us wings
- See more at: http://thegospelcoalition.org/blogs/justintaylor/2011/07/27/run-john-run/#sthash.fJSTMWQF.dpuf

Run, John, run, the law commands,

But gives us neither feet nor hands.

Far grander news the gospel brings,

It bids us fly and gives us wings.

attributed to John Bunyan

  
John Bunyan hit the nail on the head with these verses. 

It often seems as if God asks the impossible. I mean, self-control in a sex-saturated culture?! Doesn't He realize what I am assaulted with every day, in my mind, in my flesh?!

How can God expect self-control? Its like asking me to fly!

Yes! The gospel asks you to fly, AND it gives you wings.

If you are a Christian, the Spirit of God is in you. That's right. In you. Right now. And that Spirit of God is a Spirit of self-control. 

This is not a hopeless battle. Jesus Christ entered into it for you, and gave Himself to pay for all your times (and my times) when self-control crashed and burned in pursuit of momentary pleasure. 

Despite all your past sins, present struggles, and future failures, you are forgiven!

Now, go live as one who is forgiven!

As you face temptation, you can say to it, "You have no power over me. If God is for me, nothing can be against me." And in that moment, you can, by the power of God, exercise self-control.

The key, as always, is simple - repent, and belive in the gospel.

So, go ahead, take hold of the gospel. Go fly.

Seven Truths for Struggling Singles (part 1 of 7)

“The reason why so many in the church aren’t single is 

they aren’t strong enough or devoted enough. God couldn’t trust them.”

That's an amazing quote! 

I'll be honest - I had always thought (when I was single) that the reason I was unmarried was simple - God couldn't trust me!

• He couldn't trust me with more commitment;
• He couldn't trust me with greater affection;
• He couldn't trust me with the next season of life.

But, what if ...

• What if my season of singleness was less of a punishment, and more of a privilege?
• What is singleness was less of a curse, and more of a call?
• What if God was not showing His lack of trust in me, but rather was entrusting me with a great gift?

Could it be that many (perhaps you!) view their singleness through the wrong set of lenses? That their understanding of their season of life is more influenced by Disney than Jesus?

So, let's step back. Let's consider what God has to say to those who are currently single, often struggling, usually wondering, and eagerly seeking good answers.

Here is Part 1 of seven things to consider if you're single and don't want to be:

1. You can learn contentment.

... I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content. I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. I can do all things through him who strengthens me.

Philippians 4. 11-13

I know you probably already know this, but ... singles often dream about being married, and those who are married often dream about being single!

We all struggle with discontentment! As I read recently, "No matter your lot in life, it seems as if you're always a dollar short of getting exactly what you want." How true!

And, if nothing else, this should remind us that contentment has less to do with our situation (single, married, short, tall, slim, heavy, athletic, nerdy, etc), and more to do with our hearts. 

In fact, the Bible has alot to say about contentment ...
 

Only let each person lead the life that the Lord has assigned to him, 

and to which God has called him.

1 Corinthians 7. 17

But godliness when accompanied by contentment is of great gain.

1 Timothy 6.6

It would not be overstating the matter to say this - you cannot thrive in your Christian life without contentment.

But, for many, contentment is an issue. Maybe THE issue. Is it for you?

• Do you wonder if God has forgotten you and your needs?
• Do you find it hard to be satisfied with what God has given you now?
• Do you question whether God really knows what He's doing? 

Let me let you in on a secret. During my season of singleness, I was afraid of being content. That's right, afraid! You know why? Because I thought if I told God I was content with being single, then He'd conclude I didn't want to get married.

That's right. You see, for me discontentment was actually a badge of honor. It was a sign that I wanted something more, something better.

Little did I know how exposed my heart was at that moment! 

Here's the real issue - I didn't trust that God was good. I didn't believe that Jesus was enough for any season of life (no matter how long or short). I thought that God was looking for any opportunity to withhold good things from me (and, in my sin, I wasn't going to let Him!).

Consider these words from Paul Tripp:

As pseudo-sovereigns, we hate waiting, disappointment, obstacles, and failure ... It is bad enough to have to endure pain, but as a believer you must say that it was not an accident and that it was sent by a God who declares Himself to be good!

To us, often God's order looks like disorder, and His wisdom looks like foolishness. God's lovingkindness often seems to be anything but loving, and definitely not kind. All of this has to do with one humbling thing that we all have to admit: as sinners, we want our way. We want life to work according to our plan ... And we want this because we are more concerned about comfort and ease than we are about the processes of grace that are at work in us.

That's why Paul's words in Philippians are so helpful:

• We can be content. Anytime. Anywhere.
• We can learn to be content. Anytime. Anywhere.
• The key is resting in Jesus, who can strengthen us for anything. Anytime. Anywhere.

So, here are some questions for you - 

1. Are you striving to learn contentment?
2. What excites you more - getting what you think you want, or gaining what you really need?
3. Are you eager to be content, or do you regularly fan the flame of discontentment in your life?
4. Do you trust that you can be content (right here, right now) because Jesus is enough?

 He who did not spare His own Son but gave Him up for us all, 

how will He not also with Him graciously give us all things?

Romans 8.32